The Loss of a Baby Born Prematurely

This means that 1 in every 13 babies born in the UK will be born premature (before 37 weeks of pregnancy). However, not all of these babies will need to be cared for in a neonatal unit. Many babies born prematurely will be born late preterm (at 34-36 weeks of pregnancy), and some of these may not need specialist care on a neonatal unit. Sadly many babies born prematurely do not survive and there are many losses and one that I come across on a regular basis. Having a baby prematurely and subsequently not surviving is devastating for the mother and family. One I can relate to this.  

My first son was premature.   My partner and I decided we would take his son on holiday to France for a week.  I was 26 weeks pregnant and thought this was a good opportunity to relax and spend some time as a family before the birth of the baby.  I was just beginning to show and had been shopping to buy some maternity wear for summer days.  All part of the joy of being pregnant.  The journey to France was long and uncomfortable but put this down to sitting for hours.  Towards the end of the journey I started to have some regular pains.  Not realising what was happening and feeling concerned I phoned my doctor brother and asked his advice.   Not at all what I expected him to say.  He advised that I should get to a hospital as soon as possible as I either had an infection or I was in labour…..    Within 12 hours I had given birth to my first son who weighed in at less than a kilo.  I had a fleeting glance of him in his incubator before he was whisked to Montpelier some two hours away.  At some stage during the next morning I was advised that he hadn’t survived the night and had died. I was in total shock.  How could I be pregnant one day and not the next. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me and felt that I was having an out of body experience.  I could see myself laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself…. I am not sure how I functioned over the next couple of days but I was kept in hospital and still not sure why I had to stay.  I went through the motions of speaking but not aware of anything I said.  Being in a foreign country we didn’t know the protocol.  My partner had to drive to Montpellier to identify our baby and sign some papers.  He was able to take a photo of our little boy which I still have to this very day albeit very discoloured and deteriorated.  After a few days of feeling disorientated we made the long journey home without our baby.  It was a surreal experience to say the least.  There had been no discussion about us taking our baby home as he had to have a postmortem which wouldn’t be an immediate process. I asked if he could be used for medical science and was advised that they would arrange this.   I am not sure why I decided upon this course of action but maybe because I have always had an interest in medical research. It didn’t even occur to me to bring him home or have a funeral and I am not sure if I had been given the choice this is something I would have pursued. 

On our return we received bouquets of flowers, plants, cards and letters of condolence.  In the early stages of my loss I felt that many friends and family members were afraid to mention the loss of my baby and felt it was up to me to mention him first and to put them at ease.  There was one letter I received from a complete stranger who will never know how much she helped me.  Her empathy was profound and clearly from the heart.  Someone who had also lost a baby but didn’t mention this.  I drew strength from her words and gave me courage to move forward with my loss.  One thing she did say was to talk about your baby and never make it a secret or something to hide.  This I did and have always talked about Paul my first born.

It was talking about my loss that got me through the grief I suffered although life wasn’t plain sailing and I had several set backs.  One of them being when I joined SANDS . 

Sands is a UK charity that works across the country to support anyone affected by the death of a baby; improve the care bereaved parents receive from health care and other professionals; and reduce the number of babies who do die by funding research and working closely with other organisations to create a world where fewer babies die. 

The meetings initially helped and I made some truly lovely friends.  However, I remember one group discussion we touched upon funerals and how much this had helped so many to find closure.  When I mentioned that I had given Paul to medical science the room clammed up and the organiser advised me not to mention that again as it was distressing for other mums…. Needless to say I was more than upset with this comment but it didn’t deter me from supporting the group.  We went on to raise money for a room at our local hospital for families going through baby loss. We raised money to finance a suite of rooms and I helped decorate and even made curtains for the room.  We had a guest appearance of Gloria Huniford who opened the suite.  It was a time for healing and moving on in a positive way.  

If you have lost a baby and still struggling to come to terms with your loss and deep sadness then please make contact.

Let’s talk…

Email
julie@lossandgriefsupport.co.uk

Phone
+44 (0) 7977 777 306